Saturday, May 18, 2013

My Muse:An Introduction


Since I have made reference to the presence of my assigned Muse a time or two, it is only right I provide you all with a formal written introduction. I believe it is important for those who take the time to read the words I have crafted, and profess sometimes to be impressed, to know me, the architect and builder. The introduction to me can be found in the words that I write; along with a formal profile on this site.

While it is my unique intellectual and emotional perceptions of the incidents that have taken place during my personal life journey which provide the building materials to construct each of the offerings provided here, it is my Muse, who picks and chooses from the many options of my mind, who decides at what time each one should be constructed and the proper form it should take for it to have the desired impact on those who make the decision the end results of our efforts are pleasing therefore worthy of reading.

Together, my Muse and I, attempt to create a formation of words that emotionally resonate with readers. We desire people to conclude if they can still find me, despite being aware of the shameful flaws I have, worthy they should also feel worthy themselves. One of my most treasured things my Muse has ever reached into my mind and forced me to write is the bold statement “I am imperfectly perfect and that is perfectly fine” These words were always there… waiting for her to force me to reveal them. However, the Muse, who I sometimes really despise, showed her wisdom by waiting for when I decided to make an effort to write and allow others to read what I have written before she inspired me to pen them. I hate to admit it, but these moments of brilliance from her do happen from time to time.

Since I have given a functional introduction to my Muse by telling you how she and I operate in my artistic expression of writing, I now want to provide an introduction to her as an immortal being. I want to be straight from the start…my immortal Muse is not divine by any stretch of the imagination. A fact, made very clear, on the day we first began our relationship face to face when she refused to adhere to the common Muse position of the sideline of its artists charge’s mind. Apparently, my Muse was never informed of this.

Let me start my revelation of my Muse’s immortal personality by telling you how it transpired that we met face to face. Most of my life was spent blissfully thinking, like so many others, a Muse was nothing but a myth and my mind and skill alone should be accredited with the praise for my writing abilities sometimes garnered from others.

When I was in college and developed the passion for politics. Using my the core values and priorities I developed over the years with a formal education in politics I formed my own political views I went online and preached them on political forums and social networks along with others of the same inclination. Doing this, my words were seen by a person who desired to write a book of compiled essays who subscribed to the notion a particular person was the right man to become President of the United States. He was impressed with my writing when I expressed my thoughts so he sent me an email asking me to submit an essay so he could determine if it would be worthy adding to his book.

When I was just about to delete the email that he sent my Muse stormed into my house, without even knocking, and started shaking me while she screamed, “When are you fucking going to stop tuning me out you idiot!”  I was not only scared I was also in shock and pissed! I did not know what to do or what to say because this powerful cocktail of emotions her grandiose entrance served me without warning was paralyzing. In my state, she had time to tell me who she was and that she wanted me to write what I felt in an essay and send it to that man right at that moment. Scared and wanting this crazy lady who invaded my house to leave, I did as instructed. The essay was short and the words came from my heart. I did not care if I used words that made me sound educated and I made myself look even more like an idiot when I titled it “A Nobody’s Opinion.”  From start to end my task, that she bullied me into completing took me less than 15 minutes. When done she warned she would leave for now but promised, though it felt like a threat, to be back when I would finally be able to believe she was who she said.

While the moment of our meeting was shocking by itself…it was shocking even more when I was informed the essay I sent, under duress, had enough value to be added. I started to think…perhaps what I write does have some value if others, besides me, think it does.

I said out loud to nobody in the room, “How in the fuck could this be?”

There was a knock at the door. When I answered, it was that crazy lady who claimed she was my Muse…she stood there with a smirk. She knew… I was now a believer. Even though I hated doing it, I had to let her in the door and into my life.

From that day the Muse was part of my life. I have many stories to tell about our relationship. Each one will help you know more about her immortal personality. I will share them when she lets me.

By the way….her name is Deloris.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Torment To Content


I don’t know how to feel content.
Why does this ability escape me?
What if content, I was never meant?

I feel at ease with torment.
I fed on its teat as a baby.
I don’t know how to feel content.

Out of duty, I pay torment’s rent
I know holding on to feeling bad is crazy.
What if content, I was never meant?

To torment, I want to revoke my consent.
If I had something to feel instead I could act bravely.
I don’t know how to feel content.

I hate the bond between torment and me is cement!
With shame I admit, to something so vile, I am still clingy.
What if content, I was never meant?

Escape from torment I am hell-bent!
The risk of feeling nothing instead…I still agree.
I don’t know how to feel content.
What if content I was never meant?

Defection To Happy


I am visiting this new land called Happy
I don’t know how to act.
All my life I have lived in Despair.
I never liked living there, because it is very glum.
However, my feeling of this new land of Happy is fright.
But, I will travel on despite.

I never felt the joy that forms a smile I attempt one despite.
What makes all the people feel cheery in Happy?
Do they know what it feels like to feel fright?
Could all this bliss be an act?
Does the monotony of content make the natives glum?
I can’t help it I feel home sick for Despair.

Is it my emotional predisposition for misery, which destined me for Despair?
Could I learn to be a Happizite despite
my life long teachings of how to be glum?
I admit I have a fascination with this land of Happy.
Perhaps things would be alright if pleased I could act
and keep hidden, from those all around, my fright.

How does a person mask fright?
When they lived their whole life in Despair?
Is delighted still a wonderful feeling if it is an act?
Can the act ever become fact despite
being a foreigner to Happy?
Or am I forever doomed, no matter the effort, to be glum?

I don’t want to be glum.
I don’t want to feel fright.
I want to live forever in Happy.
I want to defect from Despair.
No matter I was born a Despairian, I want to be a Happizite despite.
I want to feel glee for real and not have it be only an act.

I have decided, I will drop my act and no longer feel glum.
I will do this despite my feelings of horrible fright.
I herby revoke my citizenship to Despair, and pledge my allegiance to Happy!

Please Don't Look Me In The Eye


As the volume of voices in my head swell
I pace, back and forth, with fist hitting thigh,
trying to get the voices to quell.
Please, don’t look me in the eye.

Hoping to find a way to dispel,
on others around, I am a spy.
I’m doomed to stay on life’s stairwell
Please, don’t look me in the eye.

Forgive me for being unwell.
It hurts to live life classified as a “standby”
and your home is an ugly shell.
        Please, don’t look me in the eye.

When my pain is great and I have to tell
The cruelest thing a person can say is, “Try.”
Don’t they think I would try and get out of hell?
        Please, don’t look me in the eye.

The horrors of my past my mind constantly dwells.
Are you sure the pain I’m in won’t make me die?
These evil things from my mind, I want to expel.
        Please, don’t look me in the eye.

The world we live in will not allow me to yell.
I have no choice, I must lie
The only time truth is permitted is when I use my inkwell.
        Please, don’t look me in the eye.

Before I act a fool and society norms I rebel,
I lift my hand and wave goodbye.
I feel tears about to swell.
Please, don’t look me in the eye.

A Mother's Dream


my dream finally came true
true tale i tell to you tonight
tonight my baby feared lost
lost to me forever was found
found my reason for living again
again there is hope
hope to start over
over the past
past the hurt
hurt that was caused by me
me, myself, and i
i can breathe easy
easy my breaths
breaths given to me anew by GOD
GOD, aware of my heart’s torment
torment of my own making
making me cry each night
night after night he listened
listened to my pain
pain he had mercy
mercy is what he gave
gave by a power held only by THE MOST HIGH
THE MOST HIGH made my dream finally come true
true tale i tell to you tonight
tonight my baby feared lost
lost to me forever was found
found my reason for living again
again there is hope

Thursday, May 16, 2013

A Writer's Letter Goodbye

Taking my dreams and putting them away.
Emotions plead; rest is what I need.
My mind has softened with all this wordplay.
The little workers inside my head are frenzied;
feeling need to spend time with families instead
Takes a lot effort not to have my intentions misread
My production has been done with a serious face.
The good I have achieve I don't want to debase.
However, a few lines in explanation won't hurt.
Don't want anybody to say I left without a trace.

I take pride that I send my words out doing a sashay
and command them, in the end, to be sure they curtsied.
On their lapel and backs, I check for cliches.
Despite demand, always required another proofread.
Even then, errors are found widespread.
therefore, my efforts to be candid were stymied.
Worse or all, I am seen as a braincase.
Now when I write, I can't stop using the backspace.
With this admission, further damage I hope to divert.
Don't want anybody to say I left without a trace.

My adult life has always been somewhat blase.
Out of fear, I faced each given day with much heed.
Otherwise, I felt like my next moment would be doomsday.
Those free from the shackles of feelings like these I envied.
Sadly, feeling like this is how I was bred.
yes, lacking in many areas but the fine art of fear I'm purebred.
My pedigree makes me encased in disgrace.
Don't remember when I was not looking for a crawlspace.
With words, I hoped my fears I could finally erase.
Sadly, I learned my fear was so grimy I can not culvert.
Don't want anybody to say I left without a trace.







Praise! For the Gift of Writing

I started a poem today
today I wanted to give you praise
praise for all you give
give to those in need of aid
aid you only are able to give

I started a poem today
today I was ashamed
ashamed the praise that was my intention
intention turned to questions about your aid
aid you only are able to give

I started a poem today
today I threw it away
away I wanted to run
run in shame from your aid
aid you only are able to give

I started a poem today
today I wrote what was in my heart
heart was full of pain
pain from being in need for your constant aid
aid you only are able to give

I started a poem today
today I am humbled
humbled by the gift you gave
gave as a way to give aid
aid you only are able to give

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Gifts of Light


Life,
giving
each moment
vibrant color
designed to fright
designed to delight
Either way, be enlightened
to what you have hidden inside.
Never be ashamed of what you find
in each gifted precious moments of life.
Sadly, it’s an all too common occurrence
for many life’s gifts to go unwrapped.
People tragically left in the dark.
Never aware light given,
is right there before them
if they do their part.
A wasted life,
black and white
life is
death.

Fighting Styles


silence
absences, combative,
perplexing, unsettling, aggravating,
wound, doubt, loud, fight
hurting, abusing, overpowering,
loud, combative,
screaming

Me, Billie Zahir


Billie Zahir
The woman who dares
To find in in her heart to care
despite life being unfair.

Combat


Combat
Brutal indeed
Goal is to wound or kill
Win or lose, feel unsatisfied
Crusade

Alone I Fight, Against Not Nice Voices


Here I am, all alone.
Yet, all around, there are still voices.
They always put me down.
I wish one was nice,
and would lend a voice to my constant fight.
That would be grand.

A moment of mere seconds of peace I would pay a grand.
In believing the value, I’m sure I’m not alone.
I’m sure I am not the only one fighting this kind of fight
against disembodied voices.
With others, I try to play nice.
However, it’s harder to do when they want to bring me down.

Into the abyss of darkness I’m thrown down.
The Demons all around me mirth is grand,
and believe it’s nice,
to finally have me all alone.
It is their joyful bombardment of voices
I constantly bravely fight.

With fist, I have never learned to fight.
When I have tried, I have always been knocked down.
Contrary to my skills with brawn, I am skilled at fighting voices.
Even though my skill with my shield of reflection is grand,
I grow weary quickly when fighting alone.
Which is why having another to join in on my side would be nice.

Though it would be nice,
not to be alone in my fight,
it is a fight I’m destined to do alone.
The abyss I was thrown down
depth is grand
and dug with ease by my life’s evil voices.

I wish the voices would be nice.
That way my life would be grand and I would not have to fight.
Not to be alone, for once would be nice.



Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Ugly Floral Couch (Sestina)


Sitting on the family’s ugly floral couch,
Little brother and I dared not fidget.
Knowing doing so would make Dad come more undone.
In situations like this, we found ourselves many times.
It was always best to wait till the old man tired.
This day, however, was worse than all the others.

As a family, we were looked down by others.
I’m sure they could not miss our house’s tension when sitting on our ugly couch.
Living the family lie was very tiring.
I longed for escape and it showed by my tendency to fidget.
To fidget was only one of many of our crimes. We were yelled at all the time.
Our parents, not known by most, were prone to frequently come undone.

Little brother and I came accustomed to living a life undone.
We were well aware we were not like all the others.
But being obedient children, we pretended we were all the time.
If we did not, we knew, we would end up sitting for a long time on the couch.
I don’t believe my parents knew amount of effort we made not to fidget.
These lengthy lectures about how much we were lacking made me so tired.

Even telling my tale now is making me feel incredibly tired.
Now that I am the age of them, way back then, I live in fear of becoming undone.
At least, I’m old enough not to be told to stop fidgeting.
In fact, at this point in my life, I don’t like being told anything by others.
In addition, as God as my witness, I will never own an ugly floral couch.
It appears what I will do and not do is how I spend a lot of my time.

I suppose, I should return to the topic at hand and talk about that time,
when little brother and I were waiting for the old man to tire.
I can not express the extreme distaste I sill have for that couch.
I must continue and reveal how the old man went beyond undone.
It really was worse than all the others.
Excuse me while I fidget.

Talking about that time, I always start to shake. Sorry, I always mask my shakes with fidgets.
As a general rule, I find it best, not to think about that awful time.
His marathon rants were usual. When he go the gun it became worse than the others.
When he said we all were making him do it and put the gun in his mouth…all I felt was tired.
I guess the old man really came undone right then.
All I cared about was going to bed…and getting off that damn couch.

What I am haunted by, is being so evil, that I dared to feel tired,
while my father, with gun in mouth, became more undone than any other time.
Ironically, since then, I spent a lot of time seeking redemption from others while sitting on a ugly couch.

Monday, May 13, 2013

The Skill Of Silence


Silence is a skill
a writer, by design, lacks.
That’s why men fight windmills
and poor France has Hunchbacks.

A writer, by design, lacks
desire to go downhill.
And would rather make tracks,
despite pain, uphill

That’s why men fight windmills.
When writers smell lilacs
Passion fills their quill,
loves glories they wax.

And poor France has Hunchbacks
who bravely claim freewill.
After this, how can we be lax?
A soul’s void they refill.

Silence is a skill.

Known But Never Seen (A Love Story)


I fell in love today with someone I have always known.
 She was brushing her hair, and I was brushing mine.
 when I caught her eye, no lie, for the very first time.
Her face had no make-up.
 This gave me a chance to absorb her natural, even if it was raw, realness.
It was beauty beyond what can be found in magazines.
 Her allure was in her imperfections
and not some manufactured rendition of beauty.
Seeing my new found love this way,
I took a moment to appreciate visual evidence of every
 laugh she unleashed, frown she felt, scowl she showed,
and every moment she felt nothing
because those where the things which carved the face I adore,
and serves as her witness to the life she had endured.
In our many encounters, we had showered together before.
This time, however, we knew the experience would be different
I was going to take this time to know every inch of her.
 She was scared, doubting us indulging in this delight was right.
Knowing this, I did not rush her.
I knew she would open up in time.
I let her go through her shower routine.
I allowed her the initial downpour from the shower.
I knew, those first moments was when
she soaked in the sensation of being blessed with being clean.
I appreciated the way that she tilted her head up to the heavens
and slowly rotated;
making sure every part of her was sanctified by wetness.
When this holy moment passed,
we had fun singing off tune
any bits and pieces of tunes that caught our fancy.
 As we enjoyed this freeness,
 I was struck how she just gave me
one of the rarest gifts…nobody before me…saw
 her like this.
When she started the process of washing her hair
 was when I knew it was my time…
to make my move and let her know
the celestial being she was
by allowing her to view her radiant light through my eyes.
 As I lathered her hair, I told her to relax and enjoy.
My fingers messaging her head with just the right pressure.
Slowly, I could feel and see her muscles trust by surrendering
to my tender touch.
After she was shampooed and conditioned…and I wiped her eyes,
I could see all doubt about our taboo time together
in the shower erased.
Her eyes were hooded.
Each touch I slowly reverently administered she allowed
to shine the light of her essence.
 Her legs, which she thought stumpy and shapeless, she now saw as strong.
Her arms, she hated showing,
she became aware of the elegance
as they stretched up and her fingers dripped fragrant floral suds.
Her breasts, she saw only value being as sexual lures,
she no saw how the magic of their adaptions
throughout every one of her major life changes.
 Together we mourned for the pain wearing
confining contraption brought to the tissue
that loyally stood guard over her heart.
I made sure she was aware
any part of her that endured so much as they had
and bore the forever scars and temporary marks
never deserved to be considered less that exquisite.
When our showered ended…
I did the exalting of parts once more as I dried her off.
He once, pale skin was a rosy red with all the attention I gave it.
Before I wrapped her beauty up in a towel,
I stood her in front of the mirror and said,
“This is me, looking at me, and today I fell in love with the person I’ve always known but never took the time to see and appreciate before.”

Love's Truth Found


Saw his blue lake shine.
With pride he boasted.
I asked him how deep.
He answered back no.
This was my first clue.


Saw his mountain
along with pride.
I asked how high.
He only wept,
that's a secret.


Wanted word
from his heart.
He didn't know
where to start.
Broke my heart.


He was
my hope.
With this,
I knew
real quick.

He
and 
me
not
meant.






Not Forgotten

i was not forgotten today
today, of all days, i feel
feel the need for kindness
kindness of a thought
thought about me today

i was not forgotten today
today when i was so sad
sad about not being remembered
remembered with loving thought
thought about me today

i was not forgotten today
today when moms are exalted
exalted i was not
not by the one i hoped would give thought
thought about me today

i was not forgotten today
today an angel cheered my heart
heart that was saddened
saddened heart was brightened with a thought
thought about me today

My Soul








Sly Satan summoned the serpent Sorrow
seeking to slither and scourge my simple soul
I became a solo shallow shadow
Skillfully seduduced into being a succubi
                                                                                             That was I
                                                                           That was I
                                                       That was I
Sought salvation from wings of a sparrow
lifting me in secret from Shoal's slimy sinkhole
Sly Satan summoned the serpent Sorrow
seeking to slither and scourge my simple soul

Wanted

tell me i'm wanted
wanted in your life
life that i gave you
you who is so special
special to me
me your always loving mother

tell me i'm wanted
wanted forever
forever on your mind
mind of yours never forgets
forgets me
me your always loving mother

tell me i'm wanted
wanted despite
despite how i failed
failed at always doing right
right of yours to never forgive me
me your always loving mother

I Will Remain

Forever lost in a thick mist
easily forgotten to exist
forgotten by those who matter most
a living, breathing, howling ghost.

I'm not looking for one to blame
doing so such a senseless game
when redemption matters utmost
a living, breathing, howling ghost.

Doomed to wander without rest
tormented by those I transgressed
until forgiveness I boast
a living, breathing, howling ghost.

Forever lost in a thick mist
a living, breathing, howling ghost.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Reach


i'm in trouble today
today i can't reach out
out of words
words are empty
empty of any hope
hope somebody will reach
reach out to me

i'm in trouble today
today sorrow runs deep
deep are my regrets
regrets eating away
away i want to go
go where pain can't reach
reach out to me

i'm in trouble today
today i need touch
touch my cheek
cheek that is wet
wet because i lost hope
hope i can't reach
reach out to me

Awareness


Mania
Productive Adventure
Racing Aggravating Speeding
Desirable Destructive Draining Disease
Crying Sleeping Wondering
Dangerous Deceptive
Depression

Four in the Morning


I live for
Four in the morning fresh air
air that fills my lungs every time I breathe
breathe in and out so I can stop my sobs that show my despair
despair over the past
past that they said could not last but I swear
swear at the pain I have inside that goes on and on
on until  I rest and shows its ugly face again in a nightmare
nightmare is living in limbo of being given a second chance
chance  to find a way to tell myself and the past me to beware
beware of those that lie and say you are not good
good was a grading that you, in fact, exceeded but your lot in life was unfair
unfair to endure the pain and have to wait and hurt while you pray for the gain
gain of understanding and being surrounded by those who comfort you when you despair
despair that you did not earn but given
given means you can throw it away I swear
swear you will as soon as you can, trust yourself of the future
future will be better and you will still live for
Four in the morning fresh air.

Pathos


Pathos believed he had all
all was nothing but what he was told
told by the man who knew nothing
nothing was all to grow his billfold.

Fool! Was shouted by the others
others who were no better
better to say others are wrong
wrong to admit you are a failure.

In all this mess, have to think somebody knew
knew who took our snow globe world and shook
shook till we were all Pathos
Pathos swears is was the man with a book.

Disposable


Feet taking turns to assure motion
Always assured of function
Takes more than gumption
to shun shun
Seem

As shoes rub blister forms from friction
Trash is only sane option
Takes more than gumption
to shun shun
Seam

Lady on corner children caution
She shouts fanciful fiction
Takes more than gumption
To shun shun
Scream

I Am Bipolar


I was chosen to be a warrior

Answered the call knowing
My survival is my only reward

Bruised battered but never beaten by the Beast
In need for retreat from time to time because
Pleasure and Pain is often felt in excess
Only time I fear my demise is when both meet
Laughing at the havoc the bring to the one battling.
Amount of agony felt requires a call for reinforcements
Relief is great when they carry me off the battlefield...
                                      and I get my only reward for being a chosen warrior.

Reality


Boys girls playing in the park
Fun had for no cost
Going home before gets dark
Soon off to bed flossed

Boys girls told it's time debark
Into the world tossed
Soon know park was a hallmark
Feel sad childhood lost

Right to Write


Won gunfight...My life I indite

Pissed poisoned pen poised for payback

Heroes and Villains I'll incite

Won gunfight...My life I indite

With delight good/bad I hand write

When on book rack I will kickback

Won gunfight...My life I indite

Pissed poisoned pen poised for payback
 

Emotion's Roost


A life is judged by a person's actions
and guided by notions.
However, don't forget, ugly emotions.

No matter how good the intentions, emotions efface.
Causing a  possible fall from grace.
The mission of a person is to find a special place.

A place emotions can feel at ease roosting
where their existence does not have to be proven with shouting
This place, where they can glimmer, can be found only  in writing.

Don't Know If I Wanna Go


Will I be given a place in Heaven?
What is a ticket worth?
Was I issued one at birth?
Is that my long awaited mental haven?

If I do go, I hope my legs are freshly shaved
and I'm wearing a girdle to reduce my girth.
Will I be given a place in Heaven?
What is a ticket worth?

If I do go, I hope all are seen as even
not unequal like here on earth.
I don't want to be looked at with mirth
or, worse yet, others who were told of my sins faces being graven.
Will I be given a place in Heaven?

Anger With Red Hair


Gave my anger a child's persona
Red curly hair uncombed untamed
His clothes worn out with rough play
Scabs on elbows and knees
Has no time to heal
Seems nobody cares
enough to
give a
hug.

Don't Wanna Be Found


My wonderful mind always roaming forever lost
Search parties stay at home...don't wanna be found
My mind will avoid being caged at any cost
My wonderful mind always roaming forever lost

More than anything my mind hates being bossed
Proud of my mind's refusal to be bound
My wonderful mind always roaming forever lost
Search parties stay at home...don't wanna be found

Mr. Diamond


Neil Diamond, singer and writer of songs.
Woman come to see him in large throngs
He often wonders at what age
woman will stop throwing panties on stage.

Forever Missed


He was the toughest SOB that I ever knew.
Every time, before, death knocked on his door,
he knocked the Grim Reaper on the floor.
Sadly, this time, the hooded one was the victor.

This was the man who lived through a blazing inferno,
being in the line of fire during the Korean War,
and fell from an iron tower.
Yet, as tough as he was, with me he was always tender.

I never, called him Dad...yet he was the best Dad I ever had.
When the time came for him to go cause the pain was too much I cried.
But, just like he did, I did what I had to and told them to turn off the machines.
I feel no guilt for being the one gifted with the right to end his pain.